Fran and Balthier's Insane Quest
by Vieraheart15
Summary: Actually written by my 12-year-old brother, Fran and Balthier along with Vaan, even though they don't want him along go hunting for all kinds of insane treasures. Probably incredibly OOC, considering the writer Mittens C. Kitten never really played 12
1. Chapter 1

Fran and Balthier's Insane Quests

**Fran and Balthier's Insane Quests**

**Hello. I am known as Mittens C. Kitten. This is my first story and I'm only 11. I'm Vieraheart's youngest brother and since I can't get my own account, she's letting me write one on her's. Now I've never played FFXII (so the characters are probably wildly OOC) but I've put it into consideration.**

**FFXII is owned by Square Enix**

**Chapter I: Fran and Balthier's Meaningless but Valuable Quest**

"Balthier, I found a task for you, kupo!" Exclaimed Nono "You must be willing to do a long and deadly hunt. Are you in?"

"Well, I'll do this for something to kill and for some money since Fran spent all our money on about 45 truckloads of carrots." Said Balthier.

"Why the kupo did she do that?" asked Nono.

"How the heck should I know, I'm not a freaking Viera!" yelled Balthier.

"WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT VIERA?" screeched Fran.

"Fran, calm down, I don't want you complaining for the rest of the chapter, we wanted to

know why you bought all those carrots?" Balthier wondered angrily.

"Fletching skill." Said Fran nervously.

"This is not Runescape for starters and why did you use carrot-tipped arrows?"

Asked Balthier.

Fran started twitching at the idea that carrot-tipped arrows were worthless and yelled a swear word that is inappropriate for this rating than faints.

Balthier asked, "Is she dead?"

Nono added, "I don't think so kupo (Unfortunately)."

Fran wakes up and asks, "Where does this stupid hunt take place?"

Nono replied, "In the Plane of Unelemental Air. You can enter from the Plane of elemental fire. You enter there from a monolith 60 miles away NW, kupo."

Balthier nodded and asked, "What do we get to kill?

Nono answered, "Kupo, Demonic Diamond Dragon or the DDD."

Balthier laughed and said, "DDD, that's funny."

Fran pulls an arrow out of her pocket that has a carrot-tip and poked Balthier with the tip.

Balthier yelled, "OUCH!! Fran that hurt so frigging much."

Fran said, "Told ya so, these are giga-sharp arrows."

Nono added, "Kupo, get out of my space cause I have important business to attend to!"

Vaan walks in and starts talking. He asked, "Can I come Balthier, please, I'll be less annoying!"

Fran pokes Vaan with her sharpest arrow. "How'd he get on the _Strahl_?" The Viera asked.

"Nono let me, and didn't tell you, now Fran I'm going on the outside," Vaan said

Balthier and Fran followed him silently.

"Nothing like some fresh… AIR!!

At that moment, Balthier pushed him off the side.

"That'll teach you to sneak on our ship AND the incident 8 weeks ago were you lit my favorite tree on fire!!" Yelled Fran.

"Setting course for the monolith 60 miles away NW." said Balthier.

"This hunt will last 7 chapters." Said Fran. "It would've been slower with Vaan."


	2. Chapter 2

Fran and Balthier's Insane Quest

**Fran and Balthier's Insane Quest**

**Chapter II: Heading for Someplace… with Vaan!!**

"**Okay, let me get this straight, we have to fight a diamond dragon that's completely demonic?" Fran asked.**

"**For the nine hundredth time, no freaking duh," Balthier said.**

"**We're gonna fight a Demonic Diamond Dragon?!" Fran asked**

"**Yes, now shut the damn Hell up already or else!" yelled Balthier**

"**Yes, don't make me get that idiot Sahagin up here!!" Vaan yelled.**

"**Vaan, how the Hell did you get back up anyway!?" asked Balthier**

"**I don't know." **

"**Vaan, jump off or I'll send you to Hell!" said Balthier in a calm, loud anger.**

"**Please Balthier, let me join!" whined Vaan**

"**Give me a second to think, uh… NO!! Shouted Balthier**

"**I'll be your friend!" said Vaan**

"**Fran, kill him or I'll throw that video game off-board."**

"**Please, I like Super Mario Bros. 3!"**

"**Kill him, if you don't, it goes and I'm not buying another one, so send Vaan to Hell already!"**

"**He has to come, he has a lightning rod, and it's funny because I said come." **(Don't try to get it if you don't. Trust me!)

"**No it's not."**

"**Yes it is."**

"**Off the damn subject!"**

"**Please say I can come with you."**

"**FINE!!"**

'**We're almost there, Kupo!" Nono called out over the intercom.**

"**Nono, I kicked you off, what are you still doing here?"**

"**Kupo it.**

"**Balthier, Nono, Vaan, shut it already or I'll get Basch and Ashe!"**

"**Not Ashe, last time she kupoed open my arm with a long sword!"**

"**Plus Basch being around is a one way ticket to Hell," exclaimed Balthier.**

"**We've made a stop in Bhujerba," said Fran.**

"**Woohoo, time to prove to Balthier I deserve to come on these expeditions, and it's funny cause I said come, even though I don't get that at all!" yelled Vaan.**

**Fran whispered something in his ear.**

"**FRAN, IF YOU DON'T STOP, YOU'RE GOING TO BE LOCKED UP FOR THREE MORE CHAPTERS, I DON'T CARE THAT YOU HAVE THAT KIND OF PROBLEM, IT'S LIKE HELL LISTENING TO IT!!" screamed Balthier.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Bullet Rage

**Chapter 3: Odds N' Idiocy**

**  
(Willy Wonka is not property of me)**

"**I'm gonna destroy Vaan and that stupid dragon, but first, I need more bullets… and a machine gun!" said Balthier.**

"**Why me," grumbled Vaan.**

"**Let's get some more feathers, steel axe, and…"**

"**No more damn carrots Fran, I'm so sick of those stupid carrot arrows and finding carrot crumbs in my gun (how the heck do they get in there anyway?)," Interrupted Balthier.**

"**Why are we in Bhujerba anyway?" asked Vaan.**

"**We need supplies, because what that jerk that makes the candy told me, I think his name was Willy Wonka or something really retarded, he said that when his strongest slave died easily!" explained Balthier.**

"**Must've been very weak!" said Vaan.**

"**Shut up Vaan!!" yelled Fran.**

"**Hey, only I can abuse Vaan," said Balthier.**

"**Hey!!" yelled Vaan.**

"**Vaan, go to Hell," said Balthier.**

**Balthier walks away.**

"**You're on your own, Vaan," said Fran.**

**9 hours later…**

"**Now I can rest in my room on the… HOLY HELL, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!**

"**I repainted the **_**Strahl**_**, but now it's called the **_**Honeybunny**_**!" Vaan explained with seriously extreme glee.**

**The ship looked like a crummy picture of the sun over the ocean with a stick rabbit floating over the water, and the word **_**Strahl **_**was painted over with the word **_**Honeybunny**_**.**

**Balthier's eye started twitching. He pulled out the Fomalhaut, loaded it with 400 bullets, and than aimed it at Vaan.**

"**Sweet merciful crud…," said Vaan.**

**(Balthier says a word that can only be put in an **_**M**_** rated story) "DIE VAAN, I'LL DESTROY YOU SO GRUESOMELY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW ANYTHING!!" screamed Balthier with unimaginable blind fury.**

"**Hahahahaha, violence does not resolve anything, why not buy some candy from me?" asked Willy Wonka.**

**Balthier shot Willy Wonka and said, "See you in hell Vaan!!" **

"**Ready to go Balthier!" said Fran.**

**Balthier stops and says, "Fine, in the **_**Strahl**_**!**

"_**Honeybunny!**_**" said Vaan with glee.**

**Balthier punches Vaan hard.**

"**Ouch!!" said Vaan.**


	4. Chapter 4

Fran and Balthier's Insane Quest

**Fran and Balthier's Insane Quest**

**Chapter 4: It Begins**

"**So tell me Vaan, why I shouldn't push you off and then shoot you?" said Balthier.**

"**Because I know where that monolith is!!" Said Vaan.**

"**Really?" asked Balthier.**

"**Yes, I have a map of these plains, the Plain of Elemental Air is up north," Explained Vann.**

"**How did you know that?" asked Balthier.**

"**Know what?" asked Vaan.**

"**Never mind, I see that monolith!" said Balthier.**

" **Dragon Lich's!!" yelled Fran.**

"**You've got to be kidding me…" said Balthier.**

**Battle 1 begins.**

"**My carrot arrows shall destroy these things!" yelled Fran.**

"**Fran, he's going to scratch you!" yelled Balthier.**

**Balthier pushes Fran out of the way before she can hit the arrow and he takes the bite for her.**

"**Holy Hell that hurt like… well Hell!" screamed Balthier.**

"**Eat this, a couple hundred shots from the Fomalhaut!!"**

**He shoots 300 bullets out of his gun.**

"**Yes. Fran, shoot arrows!!" yelled Balthier.**

"**The Attack of Ultimate Stupidity!!" said Vaan charging at the Undead Creature.**

**The Dragon Lich roars and flicks Vaan away.**

"**Help!!" said Vaan.**

**Balthier takes out a long hook and hauls Vaan onto the **_**Strahl**_**.**

**The Dragon Lich roars again as it falls.**

"**Through the monolith we go," said Nono on the intercom.**

**Fran takes the speaker device and yells, "Off the ship Nono."**

**The rift inside the monolith takes them to the destination in an instant.**

"**Hey Fran, what's the name of the room in the airship where the pilots are?" Vaan asked with a stupid smile.**

"**I'm not stupid…" said Fran.**

"**Come on!!" screeched Vaan.**

"**No!" yelled Fran.**

"**I'll buy you carrots!!" said Vaan.**

**Fran sighs and says, "Cockpit."**

"**Hahahahaha, you fell for it, you fell for it, hahahaha, in your face!" laughed Vaan.**

"**I didn't fall for it, you bribed me!" said Fran.**

**Balthier punches Vaan. "Idiot!!" yelled Balthier.**

"**Onward with this damned adventure." Said Vaan.**


	5. Chapter 5

Fran and Balthier's Insane Quest

Fran and Balthier's Insane Quest

Chapter 5: The Next Incidents (Involving Vaan)

"Vaan, tell me again why you're alive, and not at least covered in carrot-tipped arrows!" said Balthier angrily.

"Well you see, I wrote what to say on a card. It says, "My name is Vaan and I'm a retarded loser. I owe Fran 500 million gil and a lifetime supply of very, very, very sharp carrots, signed Vaan! _From the desk of Fran the Viera_," Vaan repeated off a card.

_Fran is a master when it comes to tricking an idiot like Vaan. Wonder how far away the next portal is, because I'm getting incredibly anxious to slay that damn Demonic Diamond Dragon!!_ thought Balthier.

Balthier looks up in the sky and sees that Vaan is being carried away by a gigantic vulture. Fran is also on another vulture, but she's handling it well. Vaan however, is struggling to kill it with a rubber sword.

"I don't get paid enough to do this," said Balthier taking out the Fomalhaut and firing it at Vaan's vulture.

Vaan lands on the _Strahl_ (Or the _Honeybunny_ now!) face first.

"Okay Vaan, now tell me this, how come every 20 seconds, you are almost about to die constantly?" asked Balthier.

"I don't know," said Vaan in a still, calm voice.

Fran lands perfectly on her feet.

"This trip is miserable, However, I see that portal to the plain of Unelemental Fire," explained Fran.

Fran turns around and see's that Vaan is playing with the Fomalhaut_. _He accidently shoots the _Strahl _(Again, _Honeybunny_) and they crash-land in the Plain of Unelemental Fire.

Balthier takes the Fomalhaut from Vaan.

"I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR ONE MINUTE, AND YOU PRACTICALLY DESTROY MY AIRSHIP!!" yelled Balthier.

"I was just cleaning up," said Vaan.

"I'LL CLEAN YOU UP RETARD!!" yelled Balthier chasing Vaan with the Fomalhaut.


End file.
